Renji and Rukia Vs The Real World
by Anti-Emo
Summary: Join Renji and Rukia as they explore the mysteries and horrors of the Real World. After all, it is very different than Soul Society. Some language. Rated T for Turtle.
1. Driving

Hello everyone.. Its Anti-Emo here with something new for you guys. Something thats been in my head for a while, and I know if I don't write about it, it'll never leave. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Please do your best to look past my obvious deficiencies at writing when sending a review. I'm working on it. Keep in mind that I am male, so I don't write as smart as you girls do.

Disclaimer: I own nothing Bleach related. Nothing at all...

-------------------------------------

It's one hot summers day at the Kurosaki house, and two super-bored are left lounging in Ichigo's room while he is out doing something only the main protagonist of a manga series can do.

"I'm bored!" Rukia rolled around on Ichigo's bed, destroying the perfectly made covers.

"Shut up.. I'm trying to sleep Rukia!" Renji cried out pathetically from his position on the floor.

Rukia turned towards the window, trying to catch something of interest.

A car passed by. So did some kid on a bike. Then another, more shiny looking car.

"Hmmm... Renji, I think I have a solution to our problems!"

Renji sat up tiredly.

"Don't you mean your problem? I'm just fine lying here on the flo-"

Renji was cut off as Rukia jumped off the bed and onto Renji. The red haired shinigami sputtered indignantly.

"What the hell Rukia?!"

The smaller soul reaper stared into his eyes for dramatic effect. Suddenly, her normally large eyes became lazier, and she gazed at him seductively. _Is this really happening?_ Renji thought.

Rukia leaned until there were mere inches between their faces. _If this is her solution then I like it!_

"Lets... Go... DRIVING!" Rukia shouted into his face.

Renji sighed. _I thought so.._

"Thats a stupid idea.. Why drive when we can shunpo ourselves anywhere faster?"

Rukia ignored him and grabbed him by his ponytail, dragging him to the window. Rukia slammed his face up against it, and forced him to look outside.

"Look." She commanded. Renji peered out of the glass, and saw a large truck drive by. "They are something we don't have in Soul Society. Think of this as an.." She paused thinking. "Information gathering mission! We could score some points with the 12th division, and maybe you could earn some respect with Nii-sama! This could revolutionize Soul Society!" Really, she just wanted to try something new.

Renji had to admit, those were all pretty good reasons. _And those cars do look awfully fun_

"Well, alright. One problem though, idiot," Renji grabbed Rukia in a headlock. "Where do we get a car? And a license?"

Rukia escaped and managed to force Renji's head into the pillows of Ichigo's bed.

"Fool! I always think of everything!" Rukia proclaimed confidently.

"We will head to the DMV, get a license, and then borrow Sado's car! I know he has one.."

"To the DMV!" Rukia and Renji broke through Ichigo's window, and out onto the street.

Several seconds later Ichigo walked in, with his omnipresent scowl.

"Oi, I'm back! What did you guys do while I was gone?" Ichigo noticed the broken window, and the fact that neither of the offenders were still in the room.

"Dammit!"

-------------------------------------

It was only a few hours before Rukia found her self in the driving portion of the exam. She noticed her instructor looked like a no nonsense guy. Stuffy white collared shirt, pocket protector, glasses, and a terrible comb-over. _This may be harder then I thought_

She looked back to Renji, who wore a stupid baboon-like grin on his face, and gave her the thumbs up.

_You can do this, you can do this! You've faced harder challenges then some driving test! Just don't mess up and you'll do f--_

"Miss Kuchiki, it looks like you forgot to fill out a part of your form. How old are you exactly?" The instructor inquired while patiently tapping his pen on the clipboard.

"Oh, I'm one hundred and fif-" Renji immediately lunged forward and slapped his huge hand over Rukia's face.

"She's 22" Renji replied for her, with a bit of edge in his voice. The instructor looked confused for a second, then shrugged it off, and wrote it down.

Rukia turned back with a glare sending a telepathic "What the Hell you tard?!" Then she realized, that humans don't typically live as long as shinigami.

She huffed and turned back to the road, while Renji returned to his lazy slouch in the back seat.

"Alright, now lets proceed" The man began. "My name is Akira, I'll be your driving instructor for today."

Rukia stiffened in her seat. She was just barely tall enough to reach the pedals, and the mirrors weren't adjusted for someone of her height.

"Please, start the car" Akira's voice echoed throughout her ear, as if someone told her something of such great importance, that any wrong move would destroy all she cared about.

"Mmm" was all Rukia could reply with.

Akira looked at her with growing impatience. It was bad enough he had to work on a Saturday, but now he has to work with someone who is mentally challenged? He cleared his throat loudly.

Rukia slowly turned the key, and the engine roared to life.

"Now--" Akira began.

Rukia screamed, and put the car into drive faster then he could realize what was happening.

The car lurched forward and plunged through the windowed DMV building, destroying all the desks and injuring dozens of people before hitting a support pillar in the middle of the structure. Needless to say, the car was wrecked.

Akira turned with face redder then a hollow's cero.

"Umm do I pass?" Rukia asked with the sweetest grin she could muster.

The man looked infuriated. "You most certainly do not!" He screeched.

He stepped out of the car, pushing aside a corpse of one of Rukia's victims with disgust.

Not a second later, Rukia was heard bawling in the drivers seat, her head slumped over the driving wheel. Renji patted her back soothingly, before turning and giving a death glare at Akira, who turned once he heard the crying.

Renji left Rukia for a second, and kicked open the back door. Said fuku-taicho then turned to Akira, and began stomping toward him making what's left of the building quake and shudder.

"Uhhh.. Is there a p-p-problem?" The instructor was about to shit bricks at the look on the tattooed mans face.

Renji grabbed Akira, and pushed him against a broken pillar. "I think that she did a great job. Don't you?"

"B-B-But she destroyed the car, the building, the people, everything!" Akira exclaimed. "There was no way she passed."

"Well, I think she did just fine" Renji motioned to Rukia. "All you did was ask her to start the car, and so she did." Renji's choke hold on the Akira grew firmer. "I'd say she passed."

Akira slumped down, defeated. He didn't even have the oxygen to reason with him anyway. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a drivers license. "Here.. just, just take it!"

Renji's face changed from one of blind fury, to a look of gratitude. He dropped the abused man, and dusted off his pocket-protector.

"Thank you Akira."

Said man fainted a second later after being released.

The petite soul reaper happily glomped her brutal friend, and all was as it should be.

Rukia leaned in and whispered "It's time for phase two."

-------------------------------------

Sado "Chad" Yasutora slammed his front room door shut. Band practice was getting harder and harder each day, and with his oafish friend Itsuki bitching about snacks the whole time, he really just felt like relaxing the rest of the day.

Chad set his guitar down on the couch, and plopped his humongous form down on his easy chair. No later then 5 seconds after turning on the TV, the door bell rang.

Chad's calm demeanor broke. "God dammit Itsuki GTFO!" Chad stormed to the door and thrust it open, ready to demolish his friend.

He was greeted by the surprised and slightly frightened faces of Renji and Rukia.

"Uhhh..." Renji began, "Did you just use an Internet acronym in real life?"

The taller man looked at the door's threshold, as if it was going to give him a way out of this conversation.

"No" was his silent reply. "How can I help you, Abarai-kun, Kuchiki-san?" Sado's calm and polite demeanor returned to him.

Rukia violently shoved Renji into some thorn bushes conveniently placed to the left of Chad's door.

"We know you got a car for your 15th birthday, and while you may not be old enough to drive it, we are!" Rukia proudly pushed her newly acquired drivers license into his face. "So can we borrow it?!"

The large eyed girl gave him the sweetest look any death god could possibly give. Chad simply shrugged, uncaring, and tossed her the keys. Which by the way, he was also conveniently holding.

The Yasutora household sure is a convenient place. Uh huh.

Renji crawled out of the bushes, muttering something about "Ungrateful bitches"

Two hours later, the duo made there way to the nearest gas station using there newly acquired vehicle, which Rukia affectionately named "The Chappy Mobile" which was already covered in stickers of the fluffy white mascot.

There were no survivors, with the exception of Renji and Rukia.

-------------------------------------

And that my friends, is how Renji and Rukia first learned about driving in the real world.

Next time: It's your choice people! You choose what the two investigate next about the modern world. Send it in a review!

If you don't, I'll either pick one myself, or simply lose motivation, and discontinue the story. It hangs in the balance.


	2. Public Services

A/N: Hello everyone.. Anti-Emo here with a second installment for you! By request of one of my reviewers (ColourPearl), the naive twosome will investigate the horrors of public bathrooms, buses, and other things that I'll think of as I go along. That's my style. Thanks to those who reviewed.

I refuse to retype the disclaimer.

-------------------------------------

After the destruction of the gas station, Renji and Rukia found themselves lying down on a bench in the Karakura mall. Rukia was sipping on her 8th lemonade, while Renji cautiously nibbled on a large pastry called a "Pretzel" that Rukia made him try.

"You know.." Rukia began, "Ichigo always brought me here, but never let me look around or buy anything."

"Yeah, well I'm not Ichigo." Renji muttered, annoyed at the mention of his orange haired rival. "Lets go look around while we're here."

Rukia nodded and stood up, but no less then two steps away from the bench, and she froze where she stood.

"Umm Renji? I need to use the bathroom"

"Dammit, I told you not to buy so much lemonade.. Lets find a bathroom then.."

Renji stood up determined, grasped Rukia's tiny wrist, and tugged her along.

It was half an hour later, that both of them realized that they didn't know where the bathroom is.

"Dammit Renji! I'm gonna burst!" Rukia cried out.

Renji quickly kicked in his survival tactics, and surveyed the area. _There!_

The man lifted his arm to point at something dramatically. A mall directory.

"Hmmm... looks like some kinda map." Renji said to himself. Rukia was busy dancing around in the background. Renji followed his roaming finger to a small circle that said "You are here"

"Shit!" Renji grabbed his smaller friend and slammed both of them against a nearby corner.

"What the f---" Rukia was silenced by the large paw of her friend.

"Shhh.. We're being tracked."

Rukia shook his hand loose and looked around from their cover. "By who?"

Renji shook his head, "I'm not sure, but that map some how knows where we are. We should stay low for now."

Rukia smacked her palm against her face. She was friends with a retard.

Rukia did a back flip and kicked Renji out into the open. She walked up to him with a annoyed twitching smirk.

"Fuku-taicho-dono?" The tone of her voice made Renji want to get the hell as far away from her as possible.

Rukia delivered the ultimate backhand slap to his face.

She didn't even bother explaining all the things he just failed at doing (Reading a map, taking cover, and failing to find a bathroom). She turned around and banged her head against a wall in frustration.

The wall however, would have none of that. It swung open, and Rukia fell onto a tiled, and strangely clean smelling floor.

She smoothed out her damaged hair and looked up at a sign that said "Restroom."

"Renji! I found it!"

"Yeah, well hurry up.. We don't have all day. I want to go look around some more." Was his annoyed response.

The little Kuchiki wandered into the tiled room, and Renji simply propped himself up against a nearby wall.

Three seconds later, Rukia ran out with a shocked and appalled face.

"R-R-Renji!" She stuttered. "There are p-p-people in there!"

Macho powers! Activate!

Renji would not tolerate people intruding on his friend while she does her business. He marched in there, with sleeves rolled up and bandanna lowered slightly to look more threatening.

Cautiously, he peered around the first corner, and one of the offenders saw him.

"AHHHH!!! It's a man!" A crazed blond lady split the air with a blood curdling scream. She leaped up with a roll of toilet paper in her hand and brought it down on Renji's head, forcing him to fall back.

It was a foolish mistake walking in there.

More women began coming out of stalls and charging him.

"What the fuck are you all doing in here anyways?!" He yelled.

"Well this is a public bathroom!" One of the women stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Rukia decided to make her appearance here. "Public bathroom?"

She looked to her friend for answers, who simply shrugged, and walked out.

Rukia couldn't hold it. She ran to the stall, finished her business, and ran out as quickly as possible.

Being in one of the four noble families of Soul Society, the very notion of a public bathroom was insane. _Never again_ she concluded.

"Lets get the hell out of here! Now I know why Ichigo doesn't like this place!" Rukia took Renji's hand and sprinted as fast as a gigai allowed.

Once outside, a new problem arose.

"So, how do we get home?"

_Damn Renji, stop bringing up problems!_

"We could wait for Ichigo's dad to pick us up?" Rukia suggested.

"Isshin's car was destroyed by the chappy mobile. Even if he gets another one, he won't let YOU ride in it." Renji stated.

Rukia roundhouse kicked him.

"Well we can't leave our faux bodies here." The large eyed girl glanced over the change she just pulled from her pocket. "The bus it is!"

"What's a bus Rukia? Why do you have to go and introduce all of these new things at once? I'll never remember it all!"

"Shut up Renji, the bus is like a giant car that anyone can use to get around. As long as you have money, that is.."

"Sounds dangerous.." Renji expressed concern, but he was still tired, and if this was the only option, then it must be done.

-------------------------------------

An hour of waiting at the bus stop, and one of the huge behemoths rolled up, opening it's doors for them to enter.

Rukia climbed in, and looked at the other passengers. There were none. The petite girl sighed in relief, and sat in the front most seat.

Renji put both of their money into the small clear box near the front. He assumed $40 should cover it.

Something caught the red head's eye though. _ Who's this fat guy riding in the front seat?_

He looked to Rukia, and pointed at the bus driver. She simply nodded absent absentmindedly as she gazed out of the window. That was all he needed

Renji grabbed the fat man by the front of his greasy shirt, and tossed him out of the door, knocking him out before the bus even took off.

"Renji! Why did you go and do that!" Rukia fumed.

"Oi! You nodded! I assumed that meant to get rid of him!"

"NO! No no no Renji! That was the bus driver! I nodded because I thought you were asking if he was the bus driver!"

"Shut up Kuchiki! I got it covered!" Renji sat in the drivers seat, and put the bus into first gear. He had practice with the chappy mobile before the the gas station incident. Rukia looked worried. _I'll show her that I can do things right too!_

He floored the gas pedal, and the bus shook violently as the engine struggled to operate with the new burst of gasoline.

Rukia fell back into her seat.

Renji looked around frantically. In first gear, the bus was over straining the engine at the speed they were going, but at least it was fast enough that he wouldn't crash into any buildings.

-------------------------------------

Four blocks later, they were nearing the Kurosaki house hold. And they only crushed sixteen cars along the way.

A flash of white to caught Renji's eye. He leaned his tattooed head out of the window.

"Ishida! Get out of the way!"

Said Quincy dropped his bag of knitting supplies, and dived to the side to avoid the oncoming (but still as slow as a one legged dog) bus.

The bus thundered by, destroying all of his extremely masculine and super cool cape designing gear.

Adjusting his glasses, he picked up what remained, and fell to the ground, crying in a fetal position.

One simply did not mess with a Quincy's sewing gear. Hell no.

This was one of the reasons he hates shinigami.

-------------------------------------

As they neared Ichigo's house, Renji began to wonder how to stop the large vehicle.

"Uhhh, Rukia?"

She looked to him, still in admiration that he could drive this far while she could not. She was so awestruck, that she couldn't even hear him.

"RUKIA!" Renji shouted.

No response. _Dammit Rukia, I finally get the chance to impress you, but now we are about to die._

Renji looked at the gear shifter, and decided _If this can make the vehicle move, then it could make it stop too! I am a genius!_

Renji moved the shifter as far up as he could go.

Failure.

The bus shifted into second, and doubled it's speed.

"Oh shit!" Renji grabbed Rukia's small body, and jumped out one of the side windows.

-------------------------------------

Isshin Kurosaki finally returned home after a long day at the clinic.

Parking his new car (seeing as his old one was destroyed in the Chappy Incident earlier that day) he stood up, and stretched, looking at the amazingly clear night sky.

"Ahh.." He sighed, turning away from his car. "What a beautiful night! Masaki would've loved this. I must share this with my family! ICHIGO!"

An ear splitting crash erupted from behind him.

He turned away quickly, to see his brand new $50,000 car was obliterated by a bus.

Isshin Kurosaki, ex-captain level shinigami (SPOLIERS! Take that fools!), and father of three, fainted.

Good thing he did too, because if he hadn't, he would've noticed his son's red and black haired friends sneaking away from the wreckage, and into the house.

-------------------------------------

The two death gods moved through the house and into Ichigo's room, where the strawberry was sleeping soundly.

"Awww.. he's such a child" Rukia cooed.

Renji and Rukia promptly lifted Ichigo, being careful not to wake him. They brought him outside the room, and left him in the hallway, still sleeping.

Renji and Rukia both climbed into Ichigo's bed, and hid under the covers until the morning.

-------------------------------------

And thus ends another adventure. Battling mall women, bus drivers, and having a helluva fun time doing it.

Thanks for reading. Review if possible.


	3. School Ain't What It Used To Be

A/N: Well well well. I'm back after several millennia of exile. This was the story I had the most fun writing, so I wanna keep it going. I hope that's cool with you all. But even if it's not, I don't care. I'm taller than you.

I won't disclaim this.

* * *

Ichigo woke up in a puddle of his own drool. "Ugh.... my bed has never felt so bad."

The boy was about to get up when a shoe crushed his face back into his saliva ocean. "Get up you lazy ass! First day of school!" Karin stomped onto his head again.

"Ah fine fine! Get off me dwarf!" Ichigo batted her away. Standing up with a huff and his usual badass scowl, he decided to try and get back into his room.

He kicked open the door to find to lumps under the blankets of his bed. The strawberry peeled off the covers to see Rukia snuggled into the arms of Renji, both with a content and tired smile on their face.

_Aww look their sleeping!_ Ichigo smiled with big soft anime-eyes.

"SUFFER!" Ichigo brought his hands together and hit the bed as hard as he could, breaking it in half and destroying his friends. "Now you'll think twice about kicking me out of my own room!" He laughed evilly.

"Fool! We prepared for your retaliation!" Rukia shoved the closet door open, revealing that they were both there all along! "Kido number 10975239857235: Sleep substitution!"

Renji grinned. "If you were a true shinigami like us, you'd totally know that Ichigo."

"Totally." Rukia agreed.

"Ah whatever. School starts today. Get ready. Like always, we have the same class and same teacher. Like every year." Ichigo rubbed his head, grabbing his suitcase that all Japanese students are required to carry.

Renji and Rukia looked to each other, then back at Ichigo. Then back to each other. And finally, once more at Ichigo. "No." They both replied.

"Fine! Fail then!" Ichigo left the room.

----------------------------------------

"IIIIICCHHIIIIIIGOOOOOO!!!!" Keigo Asano stormed down the hallways toward the orange haired boy, determined to get the first BFF hug of the new school year.

Ichigo saw this. He threw his briefcase to the ground, ditched his real body, and entered his shinigami form. "BANKAI!"

"GETSUGA TENSHO!" Ichigo obliterated Keigo, all in a matter of seconds. _That was close.._

Back in his student body, the substitute soul reaper opened the door to room 707.

"I-Impossible!"

There, in the back of the class, was Renji, Rukia, and a reformed Keigo, all smiling and waiting for class to begin. "Oi Ichigo! You're late!" Rukia chided.

"Tch. Bitch." Ichigo took his seat near them. The teacher, Ochi-sensei, walked into the room.

"I can't believe this. For the 5th year of this four year high school, I am once again your teacher. What are the odds?" She laughed her goofy laugh.

No one questioned it. Ever.

"Well, lets start with math!" She wrote an extremely complex calculus problem that no one in their high school class could figure out. What a way to start off the year.

"Anyone?"

Chizuru raised her hand. "Orihime-chan's breasts?"

The teacher shook her head. "Close, but no!" She threw her eraser, knocking out the lesbian out of the room.

Rukia leaned over and whispered to Renji. "I totally got this. Prepare to be bedazzled."

Renji nodded as his favorite girl raised her hand.

Ochi-sensei looked at the small girl and shook her head. "Poor thing. I choose YOU Abarai!"

Renji jumped. "Damn!" _How would Rukia solve this problem?_

An image of a badly drawn rabbit appeared in his mind.

_What about Ikkaku?_

He pictured the cueball destroying the chalkboard.

_Damn! I'm gonna have to do this on my own._

He stood up and cleared his throat. All eyes were on him.

Sweat ran down his forehead. His eyes darted to Rukia. She looked up, and touched his hand for comfort.

_I can do this!_

He looked at the problem, and discovered the answer.

"X is not a number!" He proclaimed with pride.

The teacher looked at him. He looked back.

"You're absolutely right! Over 9000 gold stars for you!"

Renji smiled as the females of the class rushed him an a harem.

---------------------------------------------

Later, on top of the school.

"OMGWOWRENJITHATWASSOTOTALLYGREATTHEWAYYOUSOLVEDTHATPROB-"

Renji kicked Keigo off the roof.

Lunch time was always such a bother. Rukia passed Renji a juice box.

"Check this out Ichigo." She whispered.

Renji looked down at the juice box in confusion. "What the fuck is this?"

"It's juice, Abarai-kun!" Said boobs. Uhh, I mean Orihime.

"This is a box, idiot." The lieutenant frowned.

"He'll never figure it out!" Tatsuki laughed.

Renji glared and crushed the box. The entire area became flooded in apple juice. Gallons upon gallons of apple juice cascaded off the roof, drowning the entire school below.

At least two dozen died. The janitor wept.

"HA! So that's how you do it!" Renji – 1 Juice box – 0

Rukia clapped. "Great job, oaf!"

Ichigo stood in shock.

Orihime was pleased.

Chad was Mexican.

-------------------------

After 9 more hours of school, Renji, Rukia, and Ichigo began their walk home.

"That was lame. I hate human school." Renji complained. Rukia nodded. "Ichigo, you shouldn't go anymore."

"I don't have a choice!"

"You do, Ichigo. You do." She stared at him. Ichigo looked back at her gaze confused.

"Oi! That's MY girl Kurosaki!" Renji headbutted Ichigo knocking him out.

"Lets get outta here and claim the bed before he wakes up!" Renji shouted.

The small girl jumped on his back, and they ran home into the sunset.

---------------------------------

A/N: Jeez, I'm really running low on ideas. And after three chapters! HALP GAIZE!


	4. Electronix and Shinigami ?

In this chapter, Renji and Rukia get more acquainted with Computers and technology, not only learning how they can better serve their community, but also becoming better people in the process.

….not really.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Grunts, panting, and the sound of swords clashing together woke a certain pair of genius shinigami one fine Saturday morning.

"Shhh... Do you hear that?" Rukia whispered to Renji. "Yeah.. Something crazy is going on out there.. But I only sense Ichigo's spiritual energy." A few more crashes came from the other side of the closet door.

"Perhaps it's some new kind of enemy?" Rukia suggested, reaching for her zanpaktou.

"My thoughts exactly." Renji grabbed Zabimaru. "Lets do this!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You bastard! How can you be this strong?!" Ichigo shouted. He was cornered for sure!

"Kurosaki Ichigo. You didn't hope to really beat me with those skills!" His adversary mocked.

"Tch! We'll see!"

Suddenly, his closet door exploded. A hail of shrapnel rained on Ichigo who stumbled back in shock. His headset fell off.

"Where is the enemy!" Renji shouted, sword out. "Don't worry Ichigo! We'll handle this with speed and power like you've never seen!"

"Hoero! Zabimaru!!!" Renji wildly swung his weapon around, tearing the room apart and destroying his computer.

"Oi! Renji! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Ichigo jumped to protect his TV.

"Silence boy!" Rukia landed on his crouched form. "The enemy is still around here! Hado #33! Soukatsui!"

Blue fire burst from the little girls hands and blew a hole in the wall. "Damn, I don't see em!" Renji shouted. "He's still around Renji! Keep swinging!" Rukia barked.

"S-stop!" Ichigo grabbed them both in a headlock. "Ichigo! What are you doin' ya idiot? The enemy is still around, and.." Renji stopped. "You're not even in your shinigami mode!"

"What enemy?" Ichigo tossed Renji into the wall headfirst. "We heard fighting! Be grateful! We saved your life for sure!" Rukia boasted proudly.

"You... you..." Ichigo almost cried.

"Aww Ichigo, don't cry! We got your back ALL DA TIME!" Renji pumped his fist.

"YOU IMBACILES! IT WAS A VIDEO GAME!!!" Ichigo raged.

"Video... game?" Rukia asked.

"Yeah! A video game, wanna play?" Ichigo asked with a bright smile, forgetting that his room was destroyed, and he was bleeding.

The Kuchiki girl fired one more Kido spell just in case, destroying Ichigo's backpack full of homework.

The two Shinigami sat down, eager to learn. Rukia began to write notes as Ichigo restored his TV and Xbox 360.

"SOUL CALIBUR.......... FOUR!" The game shouted.

"It's a fighting game, perfect for simple minded fools like yourselves." Ichigo explained.

"Is that why you were playing it?" Renji asked with a smirk.

"SHUT UP! I was playing against someone online. Here, you press these buttons to attack.." Ichigo explained as he handed Renji the control.

"What the FUCK is this thing?" Renji looked at the control. It had at least 9000 buttons, dials, thumbsticks, and levers. Clearly, this wasn't designed for humans, but octopi.

Ichigo picked a samurai-like character for Renji to used, and set him up against a girl with blond hair.

20 minutes later, Renji had every move in the game memorized, and had defeated every character in the game. On hard. That's right. Renji was professional after 20 minutes. The benefits of being a shinigami are endless.

"This game bores me!" Renji impaled the TV with his sword, than brought it down upon Ichigo's brand spankin' new xbox.

"R-Renji! You big bully!" Ichigo ran out of the room bawling.

"What a pussy.. eh Rukia?" The red haired man looked to his left to find his companion gone.

"Rukia?" Renji's eyes started to water.

"Oi. Renji. Check this out!"

Rukia had fixed Ichigo's computer, and was surfing the web, both of which she learned during those 20 minutes it took Renji to master Soul Calibur.

"What is that?" Renji looked at the screen. ".... huh?"

"Hm? What's this? A Renji and Rukia story?" Rukia clicked on it.

"It says lemons. I like lemons. Even if they are sour." Renji put his intelligent input in.

After reading the incredibly long story, both Shinigami were in tears. "I.. I love you Renji!" "I love you too Rukia!" They embraced. "I never knew you fought Aizen one-on-one, became a Vizard, and died to protect me!" Rukia cried.

"Me neither! But that's what makes it so romantic!" Renji tightened her embrace on her.

"Lets see if they have more." They both turned back to the screen.

"Ichiruki?" They both looked at each other. Then laughed. Laughed hard. How absurd. (That's right ichiruki fans. They do not approve of you or your existence. No offense. But that's how they feel k?)

Rukia gasped. "I think I've found the section I never want to see again."

ByakuyaxRenji.

"I-impossible!"

"What is impossible, Renji?" A deep voice came from behind them.

"Nii-sama!!!" Rukia cried out and bowed to him, cleaning his shoes and dusting his haori.

"Rukia." Byakuya greeted in his noble holiness.

"What is this you are looking at?" He leaned in, eyes scanning the screen.

No one even bothered to question why or how Byakuya entered Ichigo's room.

"Who wrote this?" He asked calmly with a steely look in his eyes. "Was it you, Renji?"

"N-no Kuchiki-Taicho! I would never-" Byakuya raised a hand to silence him. A single tear rolled down his cheek. "I see." With that, he flash stepped away, holding his hand over his heart.

Renji was both confused and frightened. Never again would he deliver paperwork to Byakuya's office alone.

Rukia turned to her tall friend. She touched his arm gently. "How about we go lemons in the closet?"

"I would like to lemons very much, Rukia." They walked hand in hand back to the closet, which didn't have a door, and went at it for 24 hours straight.

Ichigo couldn't sleep that night.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Thus ends another chapter. If you are offended by this chapters content, please redirect complaints and/or crying to your local fast food retailer. Cuz I don't wanna hear it.

But if you are enjoying this story, by all means, REVIEW! Leave me ideas, thoughts, love, and affection.


	5. Fast Food Karakura

Urahara Kisuke sighed, fanning himself in his slightly effeminate way while looking out toward the street.

The blonde man yawned. What a horrible afternoon.

"Oi! Rukia! Let go of the wheel!" A loud voice broke the silence. "Shut up idiot! I have my license now remember! It means I am the expert here!" A female voice shouted even louder.

A cloud of smoke was rapidly approaching Urahara Shoten on the adjacent street.

Suddenly, a giant semi-truck broke through the fence and crashed into the neighboring building. A man ran out of the destruction on fire. Urahara half-heartedly waved his fan at the man, as if it would put out the fire.

But Urahara doesn't care. He never cares. A giant war could be happening right above the skies of Karakura town with the arrancar, and yet he wouldn't lift a finger. (That's right Tite Kubo! Read this story and make Urahara go fight! FUCK!)

Anyways, out of the smoke, came our two favorite Shinigami.

"Ah! Renji, Rukia! I called you at least 3 minutes ago! What took you so long? And where did you get that horrible truck?"

Renji blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, it involves marshmallows, one of Rukia's fantasies, and a hobo with six fingers..."

"You really must tell me this wondrous story another time. Soul Society has orders for you for the first time since you guys came down here and started messing around.."

"Dammit.." Rukia's eyes watered. "We weren't doing a good job researching the human world?" Renji's eyes also moistened. "But.. but.... the car! The video games! The fan fiction!"

Rukia grabbed her friend's clothes for support. "I know! I..." She started sobbing.

"Oh no no! You guys have been doing a brilliant job! I'm sure Soul Society is benefiting from your reports as we speak!"

**Meanwhile, in Seireitei**

"Kusajishi Yachiru! You've been appointed head of modern human technologies! Your job will be to help spread it around the Gotei 13." Yamamoto ordered with all the authority a 2000 year old senile man with Alzheimer's could.

"Yes sir!" Yachiru playfully saluted. Too late however, as the old man had fallen asleep.

Little did anyone know, that within the next three hours, half of Seireitei would be destroyed by the expert driving skills of ZARAKI MOTHERFUCKIN KENPACHI!

Because everyone knows that driving is a fight to the death.

"No, no.. these orders came straight from Mega-braid-taicho."

"Aye... Unohana's orders are always long and difficult, like her hair." Rukia nodded.

Urahara blinked. "Anyways, you two are to help Hanatarou-san at his job today to help blend in to the community, and discover more about modern dining here."

Renji and Rukia looked into each others eyes and smiled. "WE GET TO WORK AT GOOD BURGER!"

Renji looked back to Urahara. "You don't happen to have a car we could borrow could you?"

The shopkeeper smiled. "Get out."

"Oh! Abarai-fukutaicho! No seat Kuchiki-san! What brings you here?" Hanatarou greeted, wearing his yellow, orange, and white uniform. What an oaf.

Rukia glared. Renji smiled. "Yo! Hanatarou! We're your new employees!" The lieutenant slapped the smaller man's back, and broke a few ribs.

"A-ah.. well then, Renji, you can work the kitchen, and Rukia, you can handle the front register." He coughed up blood.

Renji looked concerned. "You don't look so good buddy.." He slapped him on the back again, this time completely puncturing a lung.

"I-it m-must be this.. weather.." He said with tears in his eyes.

"Well see ya later!" Renji headbutted him and knocked him out cold.

Rukia gasped. "He's unconscious Renji! You big baboon! Now we have to run the store ourselves, since all the other employees mysteriously vanished for plot purposes!"

"Dammit Rukia, don't break the 4th wall so easily! We got this! We're living world experts remember!"

"HOOAH!" Rukia glomped Renji, and thus their adventure began.

"...I thought Good Burger was more popular than this. Hasn't anyone seen the movie?" Rukia said disappointed. They haven't had one customer in the whole half-hour they'd been there.

"Don't give up Rukia, we'll be swarming in customers soon, thanks to my brilliant plan!"

Outside, the unconscious Hanatarou was lying on the sidewalk wearing a hamburger suit. His blood acted as ketchup.

As if sent by the non-existent God himself, an extremely overweight man walked into the store wearing a name tag that said Chuck.

The man had more chins than he had hair on his head.

"I want 4000 tacos, and a diet coke." The man ordered.

Rukia raised an eyebrow. "You want 4000 tacos.... and a diet coke?"

Chuck smiled. Or at least tried to. His face lacked the muscles to lift his cheeks. "Yes mam."

Rukia turned to Renji, who sweat-dropped. "This is Good Burger. We don't sell tacos." Rukia turned back to the man. "I think you're at the wrong store my good man. What you want is that taco truck across the street."

The man grew furious! "You deny me service! Prejudice I say!" He opened his mouth and began to charge a cero!

"Oh my god, what the fuck?!" Rukia shouted ducking for cover. Renji's eyes widened. "This is the end of us!" He grabbed Rukia in his arms and kissed her passionately.

Luckily, the man's cero couldn't make it out of his mouth, and instead, his head exploded. His huge body fell through the floor, and into the basement of the Good Burger, never to be seen again.

"You knew that was gonna happen, didn't you?" Rukia smiled in his arms. "Kinda.." Renji blushed.

After three minutes of cleaning, several more customers came in, casually walking around the hole in the ground and walking up to Rukia.

"Lemme get a mega grease burger, super heart attack fries, and a shake," Said the skinny emo kid.

"Number 4, Renji!" Rukia called back.

"Got it!" replied the baboon. Unwilling to learn how to use the stove, he charged a kido spell and aimed it at the meat.

"Shot of red fire!" The blast meant to destroy hollows, strangely, cooked the meat to perfection. The fries came out pretty good too, seeing as how he cooked them in the fattiest liquids he could think of, then drizzled them with pork powder. (I don't know if such a thing exists. If it doesn't, what are you going to do about it reader? Nothing. That's right.)

"Our first satisfied customer." Rukia cheered. "YATTA!"

Renji danced in the kitchen, knocking over equipment, machines, and food.

"Renji no!" Rukia screamed.

The red-haired man crashed into the boiler, blowing up the restaurant, and all the customers waiting in line.

Hanatarou stood at the threshold of the blast. "What have you guys done?!" He said terrified.

"Our job." Renji boasted proudly. Rukia had to agree. "We served a customer! Check please!" She held out her hand eagerly.

Hanatarou sighed and gave them each $350 for the day. Whatever got them away from the store.

As the duo walked away, Good Burger's secondary underground boiler chose to go off, and burnt Hanatarou to a crisp. But it's okay. He's 4th division. He's meant for this kind of stuff.

A/N: Yup... That'll do it for today. Once again, if any of this material offends you in anyway, it really isn't possible for me to care less.. Unless you count negative-care, but I don't do that too often. This chapter is kinda short I think.. But I killed some time of my day writing it, and you'll kill some of your time reading it. I'm a time murderer. I apologize. Leave reviews and love.


End file.
